Alright guys, it’s time to get to the true facts on how to understand women. Has anyone ever noticed how men in relationships are shown on television? The image that comes to mind for me is Homer Simpson. A fat, lazy, disconnected guy whose heart is in the right place but is probably out to lunch. The next time you’re on a date, look at the woman across from you and realize that she’s looking at Homer Simpson.
The reality is that most guys aren’t as “out to lunch” as our girlfriends think. Sure, we act silly or dorky or inconsiderate, even, but in reality we take in way more than the average woman realizes about them, about ourselves and about our relationships. While many of us act like Homer Simpson on the outside, we’re all more like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson on the inside. Smart, perceptive, a little bit sensitive and a lot smarter than we look.
That being said, here’s a list of 25 things that women don’t realize we understand. Some of them we’re happy about, others not so much, but here they are.
25: Difference between 135lbs and 136bs…
Does your girl ever ask if she’s getting fat? Does she ever ask if she looks fat in a particular dress or outfit? Do you always answer “no” to both of these questions? If you said yes to the above, you’re a part of the 100% of guys for which this is also true. Girls always ask us about how we perceive their bodies and we follow our deepest male instincts when confronting the question. We tell boldfaced lies.
Ladies, the reality is that your man can tell when you gain even a single pound of fat. We look at your bodies every day, and we notice changes that happen. We see trends in your eating and exercise habits and how your clothes fit. We know what your patterns are and if we’re smart enough, we can even predict how those patterns will affect the fit of your favorite yoga pants.
Long story short, if your man says he can’t tell that you gained 10lbs, he’s telling 10 separate and distinct lies to your face! If a man doesn’t notice when you gain a pound, he’s not looking at you anymore!
24: She can have male friends but you Better Not have Female friends
Ladies, we get it. You feel threatened. Any guy in a relationship has had to deal with questions like “Why is she liking your photos?”, “Who is this girl following you on Instagram?” or “Who’s that texting you?” We pick up on your jealousy issues whether you admit to them or not, and to us they’re mostly just something we laugh at when you’re not around.
Then we turn around and you’re out for drinks with Chad from your rec volleyball team, having dinner with your boss as a “team building” exercise or staying out after work for “drinks” with “coworkers” at a “bar”. We don’t get jealous. We know you love us and if you didn’t, there’s always that girl who keeps liking our photos! As rapper Jay-Z said, “Males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait”.
23: It’s okay for her to have hair all over the bathroom, but you leave stubble in the sink and All Hell breaks loose
There has never been a woman who maintained her composure after her husband, boyfriend or jump-off shaved in the sink and left his stubble there. The sad truth though is that if you’ve ever lived with a woman whose hair is over 3 inches long, you probably know that that hair can be found everywhere.
How is it that a minuscule quantity of hair from my legendary beard can somehow throw you into a fit of spontaneous vomiting, yet you’re oblivious to the fact that your hair is coating literally every surface in the bathroom? It’s on the sink, it’s trapped in your hairbrush, it’s stuck to my toothbrush, it’s on the floor, in corners, it’s in drainpipes and on the toilet paper dispenser, it’s literally everywhere.
As I write this, my girlfriend’s hair is caught in spider webs in the corners of my bathroom, but if I leave any hair in the sink from shaving, it’s World War III. Thanks ladies, you’re the realest.
22: When to tell the truth and When to lie
Women think that men have no idea when to tell the truth and when to lie. Naturally, most guys are much more adept at staying two steps ahead than our girlfriends might expect. Habitual liars start out by lying to protect the people they love. Soon enough, the lies are the only thing maintaining stability in the relationship. By the end, a habitual liar only lies to protect himself.
If you don’t want to get caught lying, always make sure your little fibs are airtight. In fact, give up lying all together and adopt the mindset of “subjective truth”. A lie is something you say that just isn’t true, but a subjective truth is a truth that you invented on the basis that nobody can prove otherwise! If you believe your own lies, can they really be lies? Women don’t realize that men also know how to fabricate reality when it suits them to control a situation.
21: Why a vacuum is NOT a good birthday gift for a women
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Why wouldn’t a vacuum cleaner be a great present for my wife? She loves to vacuum!” you should be happy that you’re reading this before her birthday comes around. A vacuum cleaner is probably the worst present you can get for your wife. Her birthday is a time for you to make her feel special by enabling her to enjoy the things that she really likes.
Now here’s the shocking bit of news: your wife does not really enjoy vacuuming the house. It doesn’t make her feel happy or relaxed, and it isn’t something she looks forward to. Why does she do it? She does it because it needs to be done and, most likely, she does it because she knows that you won’t. She may or may not feel some type of way about that, but it’s almost certainly the case.
Thankfully, most men understand that buying their wife a vacuum for her Birthday is basically saying “I think you love cleaning up after us, but you haven’t quite been getting the corners so here’s an equipment upgrade so the house won’t be so dusty all the time”. Turn your brain on and go buy her a spa package or a box of truffles.
20: Where the household budget Really goes
Women really believe that their husbands don’t have a sense of where the household budget is going. They must think that when we see them coming home with bags of groceries, new clothes and shoes, and even bags that someone else is buying everything while our bank accounts stay fat. It’s simply not the case.
Men are far more observant than women think we are. We see every new pair of shoes in the closet or at the front door. We see you in front of the mirror modeling your new blouse that you spent a phone bill on. We also look at the bills and make sure they’re getting paid on time.
Men also know that shared finances in a household are the best way to foster communication and collaboration rather than secrets and resentment. Ladies, if you’re hiding the bank statements that show what you spent at Nordstrom’s last month, it’s time to fess up and start righting the ship before you let your whole relationship go off course.
19: Obsessing over Your biological clock
Men, if your girlfriend or wife is under the age of 25, you may not really understand what this is all about. Women think men don’t realize that they are under some very serious time pressure to get things done in life.
Women peak in attractiveness at age 31 and any girl over this age starts to worry that she won’t be able to find a man that wants to settle down with her. Women also do better having children before they are 40, and probably don’t want to have children until they’ve been married for a couple of years, and probably don’t want to get married until they’ve been engaged for a year or two, and want to date for a few years before that, and so on.
Smart men know that women are obsessed over this timeline, and we can use it to our advantage. The 32-year-old girl is much more hesitant to spend time fooling around if what she really wants is a stable family life. Younger girls are much more willing to invest time having fun with a new partner and being less serious because they have years to sort out what they want for the future.
Women think men just want to fool around all the time, but we know exactly what it is they’re after at various times and how to respond to that.
18: How to wrap a gift so it Doesn’t look like a three year old did it
There are certain times of year when the “Homer Simpson” bias comes in extremely handy for men everywhere, and one of those times is Christmas. You see, men really do know how to wrap gifts. We know how to pick out the correctly sized box, how to measure the length of the tape just right without a ruler, and how to fold, tuck and tighten the wrapping paper around your gift until it looks like Santa himself wrapped it.
The problem is that we don’t want to. For whatever reason, men just can’t stand having to wrap a present. Maybe it goes against our instincts to treat something so trivial with such delicacy, but we would rather pay the person at the mall $5 to do it for us than have to do it on our own at home.
Thankfully, women generally think that every man they’re dating is Homer Simpson. We can easily feign incompetence whenever we don’t want to do something, and usually the women in our lives are happy to do it for us.
17: How to spend the day relaxing in bed Without having sex
South Park fans will remember Chef famously saying “Damn woman, I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago, are you trying to kill me?” Women think that men have no idea how to just relax and enjoy their company without wanting to do the nasty every 45-90 minutes. Of course, they’re totally wrong.
Men know exactly how to lay in bed. In fact, studies show that men view any time spent around their significant other as quality time. It’s really women that only view “couples time” as either engaging in a planned activity together or going on a date. Men are totally happy to hang out with their wives and girlfriends without getting down to business, so why do women think otherwise?
The simple reason is: because we tell them! Men don’t say we want sex, we say that we need it, that we can’t help ourselves. This makes women feel like they can provide us with something essential, like they can satisfy our needs, and that makes them feel very important. Not only that, but it makes women feel like they can’t expect us to just lie there unsexed unless we really, really want to. This whole exchange puts men in the driver’s seat when it comes to getting sex from our partners.
Nothing against Caitlyn Jenner, just thought it was hilarious…
Beauty products, especially skin care, are heavily marketed towards women and exfoliating is almost uniquely pushed as something a woman needs to do to get the smoothest skin possible. Men might make fun of how much time and money women spend on beauty products that make them look good for the opposite sex, but the truth is that we really understand the benefits of great skin care.
Men with nice skin don’t get it by accident. If you’ve ever seen a bachelor’s bathroom, they’re usually full of skin care products. The difference is that married men or men in relationships stop taking care of their skin the same way because they don’t have anybody to impress anymore. Nevertheless, single guys everywhere are exfoliating on a regular basis – ladies, you can count on that!
15: Why women can be good to everyone But themselves
We see you making sacrifices for other people in your life and you think we don’t understand why, but we really do. It’s because you want to be seen as selfless and giving, because you’ve always learned to be helpful and because you want to be seen as feminine by putting the needs of others before your own.
We frequently wish that you would take better care of yourself, and we know that can come across as us being unaware of why you’re getting everyone else a drink before yourself, why you feed everyone else before you eat and why you always know everyone’s calendar but can’t find time in your day for the things that you need.
We just want to see you taken care of as well.
14 How to have a closet Overstuffed with clothes but still have nothing to wear
Women are infamous for struggling with their own wardrobe. Ultimately, this fact comes down to the differences between men and women. When you have boobs and a butt, changes in your weight can quickly affect how your clothes fit and create some intense morning struggles in front of the mirror. Furthermore, many women fluctuate in weight on a monthly basis.
Finally, women are always expected by society to look stunning. That means that most women don’t just throw on jeans and a shirt to go out in the street. Having a great wardrobe that fits you is almost a part-time occupation for many women.
Men really get it though. We’re lucky that we can usually get away with having some jeans and a t-shirt on, and we see the effort that you put into getting ready every morning. We know it’s a constant struggle, but our favorite thing is to see you looking and feeling a way that makes you happy.
13: The Difference between flattering and being stalked
We get it! Well, most of it. To be honest, some guys really cross the line when it comes to finding appropriate ways to show our affection to a woman. Being interested in someone does not entitle you to show up to her work place, follow her home, constantly blow up her phone or invade her privacy in any way.
Ladies, if you think men can’t figure this out, let’s get one thing straight: it’s only a small portion of dudes that go this right. The rest of us will wait for you to reciprocate some attention, and if you don’t throw a bone in our direction, we’re gone and we’re not coming back. Men can tell when a woman is picking up what we’re putting down, so to speak.
If a man is giving you unwanted attention, he knows it’s unwanted. He’s doing it anyways because he feels entitled to and if you can’t convince him otherwise, don’t hold it against the rest of us! Just go ahead and apply for a restraining order.
12: Having 100 cookbooks and Never using them
A cookbook is a book full of recipes. This book represents the possibility of cooking any of these delicious recipes at absolutely any time. Unfortunately, just owning the cookbook doesn’t actually put the delicious food on the table, nor does it plan your meals, put groceries in the fridge for you, visit the supermarket, make your shopping list or provide you with the tools and utensils you need to actually cook.
All men understand that finding time for the above is the main obstacle to having a home-cooked meal each day, not whether or not you are in possession of one or more cookbooks. Thankfully, most of us are okay with McDonalds or Hamburger Helper when there isn’t time for something fancy. We get that real life is the only thing separating you, the cookbook owner, from becoming executive chef of your own kitchen.
11: How to Tell if someone has cheated
Women think they’re the only ones who can tell when their significant other has gone outside the relationship for some physical intimacy. This is connected to the belief women have that men can’t keep secrets. In fact, cheating is never a secret because there are always two people that know about it and unless there was total honesty from the beginning, those people probably haven’t agreed on a realistic way to keep things neat and tidy.
Women also get away with cheating more because another man will never show up to your house and tell you that your girl is running around behind your back. Women do things like that all the time out of jealousy.
Men can still tell by a woman’s behavior whether she was with someone else. Ladies, if you think you’re getting away with it, you’re totally wrong. Subtle changes in your behavior that arise from guilt will ultimately give it away and men are totally aware of that.
10: How to Cheat “the correct way”
Is there a right way to cheat? You’re damn right there is, and men know exactly how to do it. Women think that they’re the only ones who know how to keep situations under control while getting what they want out of them, but men have their own ways of keeping a lid on things without upsetting their home situation.
The most important thing is to never let your side piece think she’s your main squeeze. This significantly reduces the likelihood that she’ll show up at your house in 9 months trying to serve you with a court ordered paternity test for somebody else’s kid.
Let’s face it though – women think men can’t do this because they think that men don’t know how to be honest. All men know how to tell the truth when we have to, just usually not to our wives and girlfriends! Ladies, if you think your man can’t keep his game together, you’ve got another think coming. All the videos you’ve seen of side-girls creating problems happened because the man was thinking with the wrong head – but not every man out here is Homer Simpson!
9: That no matter what, a woman’s job will always be Tougher
We may argue otherwise, but we know that in the grand scheme of life, men got a pretty great deal on being human. We don’t bleed every month, we don’t have to carry a baby around for nine months, we don’t have to give birth, and we don’t deal with cramps, headaches, morning sickness, cravings, and most of the other things that a woman will have to cope with in her natural, biological life cycle.
That being said, we’ll be the last to admit it. This is just because if we did, you might think you were entitled to some kind of special treatment. Honestly, we’re pretty happy that we didn’t get stuck with a uterus, but it’s not something we’re going to say out loud or go around bragging about.
At the end of the day though, we do recognize everything you’re going through and love you for the grace you show in dealing with it.
8: Cramps is the Best excuse to get out of a bad date
Ladies, have you ever been stuck on the date from hell? Have you ever tried your hardest to come up with an excuse for why you absolutely have to leave immediately? You probably decided that period cramps were the best way to get away from your nightmare date – and you were almost right!
Claiming that you’re getting cramps works in two important ways. Firstly, you’re in some pain, and it’s the kind of pain you have to respond to right away. The pain is immediate and severe and is causing you discomfort right now, you absolutely need to go home and rest. Secondly, you’re letting that man know that he’s not getting laid tonight because you’re probably bleeding.
The reality however, is that men see right through this kind of excuse. We know that you probably wouldn’t agree to a first date with us when you’re expecting your period if you really wanted to see us. If the date was going well, you would probably just suck it up and deal with the cramps. As soon as we hear this excuse, we know with 99% certainty that things aren’t going well between us, whether you’re really getting cramps or not. Next time, tell him that you got a text message and found out your child is sick or say “I’m just not that into you”.
7: Gossip just means women are Interested in people
A lot of men aren’t really into gossip. Some are, but the majority just aren’t interested in talking about other people behind their backs. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t realize that women do this all the time and why that’s important.
Women are brought up to always think about how others feel and act towards them. Gossip is a way of forming groups that tightens bonds between those doing the talking and excludes the people they’re talking about. Gossiping satisfies the need to solidify friendship bonds by alienating other people.
Men are also interested in what other people are doing, but we prefer not to talk behind people’s backs when possible. We still understand, however, that women are differently interested in what their friends and family are doing.
6: How women discuss great meals while Eating a great meal
The irony of doing this seems to be that instead of enjoying the delicious food in front of you, you’re getting distracted by thinking about other food. Men usually like to focus on eating the food in front of us and are unlikely to invoke memories of other delicious meals in the process.
However, this doesn’t mean that we don’t like to reminisce. Men watching football have been known to fill the space between plays with conversation about other football we recently watched. This isn’t quite the same thing, but it’s very similar.
We get that experiencing something profound makes you reflect on other experiences, we do that too. Of course, when you do it, it’s a lot like how when people smoke weed and talk about other times that they smoked weed. Maybe it might be more productive to just live the experience and not try to relate it to something else.
5: Children are the best excuses for getting out of things you Don’t want to do
It’s amazingly true that women don’t realize men have this one figured out. It still doesn’t make us want to have kids more, but we know that being a father is always priority number one and can get us out of anything. There are some excuses that never seem to hold water – if your car keeps breaking down, there was a line-up at the drive-thru, if there was too much traffic, etc. All of these things are excuses that can ultimately backfire.
If you’re going to make an excuse to be late for something, or to avoid going somewhere or doing something altogether, make sure that excuse is something totally outside your control. A child is the perfect reason to miss an event because children operate entirely on their own schedule with no regard for other people. They get sick when they want, throw tantrums when they want, and even when they’re just fine they still need a babysitter.
4: It’s better to be Right than to be happy
People use the axiom “happy wife, happy life” far too frequently in describing marital relationships. This seems to suggest that the best route for a man trying to be in a happy marriage is to ensure the happiness of his bride. Can this be achieved by simply letting her have her way, agreeing with what she says and placating?
The fact is, it really can’t. A recent study had a man attempt to do this. He agreed with everything his wife said, and complied with every request regardless of how inane it seemed. After twelve days the study was put to a stop because the man’s quality of life had gone from a self-reported 7/10 to a 3/10!
Being right is as much an ingredient in a happy person as the happiness of a partner. Women know this – they know that they need to be right and to be acknowledged as being right at least some of the time in order to be happy. Men know this too though – we can’t just acquiesce all the time and still feel good about ourselves.
3: How to share a Secret and how to keep one
Secrets are the simplest things to keep and most women think that men are incapable of keeping one. This might be because men and women follow different rules for sharing secrets. There are a few situations in which a secret can exist and men are aware of all of them.
A secret only exists if just one person knows the secret. This is a true secret, something that you take to the grave. A secret can also exist if everybody that knows it agrees never to discuss it ever. This prevents it from ever coming to light, as secrets can only be revealed when they are spoken.
Women think that men can’t keep secrets, but in reality there’s no way of knowing if one of the above scenarios is ever taking place. The truth is that women only hear us talk about secrets we don’t care about revealing. The real ones will fall into one of the categories above – and those are gone forever.
2: How to listen for the story Behind the story
Women think that men are barely listening most of the time that someone is talking. In fact, we’re very keen listeners when we want to be, especially when we’ve decided that what we’re hearing is going to be something informative that we can use later.
Women are always listening for the story behind the story. This basically means that they are trying to detect where the bias is in the information they’re getting and trying to understand the direction the narrator is coming from when we’re speaking to them. For example, when we talk about being late because of traffic, the story behind the story is that we slept in and didn’t leave early enough to arrive when we said we would.
What women don’t realize is that men do this too, we’re just more likely to pick our battles when the story we’re being told doesn’t add up with the facts. Men are much better at listening and understanding information than women realize.
1: To actually Listen to a woman is the sexiest thing you can do
To be fair, there are probably a fair number of men that haven’t figured this out yet. If you’ve browsed dating advice columns, red pill literature, or any of the numerous bogus resources that claim to give you a leg up when approaching and dealing with women, you probably haven’t yet figured out the one true secret to dating.
Women are people, and like all people, they want to be treated like people. Women are complex individuals with goals, dreams, likes, dislikes and unique identities. How do you find the quickest way to a woman’s heart? All you have to do is treat her like a human being, and that means listening. When you really listen to her, she’ll notice that you aren’t just treating her like an object, you’re treating her like a real person! That’s what she wants!
She may expect you to put her on a pedestal and treat her like a goddess, but just open your ears and you’ll find that all of a sudden, you’re the one in control.
This article ontains excerpts from the book 511 Things Only Women Understand by Lorraine Bodger